I will talk about chemo side effects somewhere else, but right now I feel like talking about the side effects of cancer I consider more important than the chemo ones because they have the power of making you feel either dead or alive if you let them. These have to do with friends and family’s reaction when you break the news and subsequent behavior.
They get sad, depressed, and there’s a certain silence that hurts as it gets so darn quiet when people find out. Some thought I was in denial when I began trying to convince them that I was fine. They felt awful when I broke the news to them, but I felt awful when they felt awful! And I didn’t want them to but the silence was the worst part as, apparently, cancer has the power of ending a conversation. And the one thing I love on this planet is conversation.
You see, when I first came to realize it was true – that cancer was a word that was to be part of my vocabulary from then on – I needed a minute to search within me to find out why I wasn’t scared or mad or anything other than wondering about a ‘now what?’ while others cried.
I couldn’t care less about the ‘how long’ nor the ‘why me?’ questions that everyone seemed to be asking. And it hit me. I am not sick! For I -as in I’m a soul, a spirit and pure energy- don’t have cancer, so how could I convince my friends and family that this was not what was important but the fact that I was still here… me… my spirit was intact, I was fine with it, and was as healthy as a horse.
For starters, I deleted the word ‘mine’ from my vocabulary when talking about cancer. I told everyone that the word ‘mine’ was not going to be part of this scenario. It would never be ‘my cancer’ or ‘my tumor’ because it was NOT MINE! I didn’t ask for it nor did I want it; therefore, I would never make it mine.
After a while, they got to sort of see it my way and that it was still me. Just me. Their loving daughter, their sister, their friend… with a glitch! So we got to talking again and cancer was not part of the chat. Why would it? If I had crashed my car, we would’ve talked about it but not to the point of researching for statistics or odds or whatever, right?
I know most people take cancer very seriously. Well, not me. Yes, this body of mine had been diagnosed with cancer… so what?! As I’ve said over and over, if I die, I win. And if I don’t, I win. So if I win either way, why is it that I’m supposed to be sad or depressed about it?
My soul is energy and energy does not die. My soul will never be sick.
And that’s what brings out the worst in people. My attitude toward this whole thing as it is not what’s expected of a normal human being because some really need to feel that they are being useful and helping me to feel better and when they see that I’m all good and happy they freak out …and the deafening silence fills the space and I can hear them thinking I’m nuts. Well, so be it. I’m a happy nut because I accept what I’m going through and appreciate life because there is only one and it is happening NOW! 🙂