My husband died. My sweetheart and friend left this world to go home and wait for me when my time comes. I know where he is and, spiritually, that makes me happy; however, my human side is sad. I miss him so very much.
We had fun together and traveled and enjoyed life. Yes, I miss him and I’m hurting but that does not mean that I will cry and be depressed to play the part I’m expected to play just to make people happy. See? I don’t know whether the word “happy” is the right one here. I don’t know… but something tells me it is because, from a stranger’s perspective, I’m not responding to the loss of my husband like I’m supposed to, I’m not normal! Whatever that means…
When a stranger, usually someone at work, finds out and asks me how I am, I smile and say I’m fine, I thank them for “caring” and give them a way out of the conversation as it gets awkward by the minute. At least to me it does. Family and friends don’t even ask as they know exactly how I am and how I’m feeling.
So these strangers say things like:
- “What religion do you practice to appear to be taking it so well?” And my answer is none. I tell them I don’t need a religion to feel at peace with my creator and whatever he has coming my way.
Some tell me I’m lucky to have those beliefs. Others praise my strength while others… well, others seem to dislike my answer very very much. Case in point, today I came across a true bitch at work! Someone who I wanted to hurt after she decided I was not “normal” and I even saw myself punching her so hard that I would have ended up in jail had I acted upon the feeling.
She came to me with the victim’s face on -and the voice that goes with it- to tell me she had just found out about my loss and wanted to tell me how sorry she was. I, again, thanked the person with a smile on my face. Then she went on saying that she heard we had been married for over 35 years and so I told her that she was right… still with a smile on my face.
BIG MISTAKE, I guess, as her next question blew my mind.
- Were you not close? – she asked but not before erasing her victim’s face and voice.
Say what? Huh? Did I hear correctly? Is she for real? I looked at her in disbelief. Is she asking me whether I loved my husband? Does she really think I’m not human? So, if I don’t play the grieving widow part at the office then it automatically means that I didn’t love my husband? Is that it?
Of course, I kept my cool and answered her question with a rather cold “yes”, unable to look her in the eye cuz I might have just lost it… and I struggled a bit to keep the smile on my face and managed to get myself out of her presence.
I do not know how I was able to control myself and I wonder now whether I should go back and ask her to never ever question someone’s love just because that person doesn’t act like a victim or is depressed around strangers and while at the office! You see, I don’t know if I can let this woman get away with such a rude hateful comment. I’m so mad at her and at all those who look at me as if I were an alien for not crying all the time. For not putting on the victim’s face or going around telling everyone how hard it is to accept the death of my husband.
Aaarrgghhh!!!! What is wrong with people?????