My two week notice… and the end I guess some external issues do make a difference in our health. Mine plummeted from one minute to the next. I was “fine”… and then I wasn’t. It’s like I’m on a slalom trying to avoid poles and gates but going so fast that I cannot help but crash!
All of the end of life symptoms presented themselves at the same time one night last week. Pain that will not go away, fatigue that makes me want to stay in bed all day -which makes me wish those two weeks were over sooner- nausea and a metallic taste that will not let me eat (not even my favorite meals and/or snacks), headaches, vertigo, lack of concentration, etc. It’s the whole enchilada!
So I started thinking and wondering if something had happened for my psyche to have given up and allowed the cancer to take over in no time… being such a strong person and a positive one. Was there something that no longer made me feel at ease on this planet? My boss, who’s also a dear friend, commented on one (of the two “problems” I can think of) when I gave him my two week notice.
So two things stand out. The misogynistic asshole of a leader at work who won’t allow me to do my job because he thinks I’m too straight forward and believes women should not have strong personalities -and who will not even have the balls to come talk with me about it because I pose a psychological threat to him- and when I found out that there was no place to relax because I was presented with a new set of rules for me and my dog to follow. My dog, my beautiful golden retriever Sophie, whom I love with all of my heart and for whom I worry about what will happen to her after I’m gone.
These, apparently unimportant issues for some, make it impossible for me not to stress out. The first one made me so so mad that I had trouble keeping my cool during a meeting when I first heard. What is it with people –especially tiny little men– and strong personality women? Why do men get an array of normal-every-day adjectives when it comes to personality and performance while women get only one: bitch!? And the second one only made me extremely sad and, of course, worried me as I don’t want me and Sophie to be a burden on anyone.
As per work, I guess it doesn’t matter whether I go for the ‘air head barbie talk’ by finishing all my sentences with a question mark or using the little girl voice some like so much or filling instant messages and emails with freaking smiley faces as if I were a teenager… I will still be considered a bitch . For existing. For being confident and determined. Especially when we are talking men who find it hard to work with women in general.
Could that be it? Maybe I did give up. If so, this only proves that the state of mind can heal or kill. Which is what I’ve been telling everyone, that our attitude towards life makes all the difference in our bodies.
Well, my attitude in these past two weeks made all the difference in the world health wise as I’ve been both mad and sad.
I loved my job up until I heard what this meager pint-sized man said (yes, I’m still mad at the guy so giving him a set of negative adjectives does make me feel better!) and I was at ease up until I found out that Sophie breathing was an issue for some.
So my next weeks are about planning. I’ll do my best to finish well at work and then try to enjoy the little time I have with my sisters, nieces and nephews. The latter being my number one priority now; therefore, we’re planning to go to Playa del Carmen or Cancun for some 3-4 days to worry about nothing and enjoy what an all-inclusive hotel can give us. Which is fun, food, drinks and, most importantly, a spa!!
The simple act of planning this trip made me feel better so I guess I just extended my life a couple of days! Oh yeah… the mind works wonders and life is still good!
I guess focusing on other stuff helps. Writing this helped. Especially the part in which I was able to describe this sample of a man with harsh words and if that makes me a terrible person… so be it. I’m only human and I can live with that.
I can now kick the bucket!