My two week notice… and the end

My two week notice… and the end I guess some external issues do make a difference in our health.  Mine plummeted from one minute to the next.  I was “fine”… and then I wasn’t.  It’s like I’m on a slalom trying to avoid poles and gates but going so fast that I cannot help but crash!

All of the end of life symptoms presented themselves at the same time one night last week.  Pain that will not go away, fatigue that makes me want to stay in bed all day -which makes me wish those two weeks were over sooner- nausea and a metallic taste that will not let me eat (not even my favorite meals and/or snacks), headaches, vertigo, lack of concentration, etc.  It’s the whole enchilada!

So I started thinking and wondering if something had happened for my psyche to have given up and allowed the cancer to take over in no time… being such a strong person and a positive one.  Was there something that no longer made me feel at ease on this planet?  My boss, who’s also a dear friend, commented on one (of the two “problems” I can think of) when I gave him my two week notice. Continue reading

…but you look great!

I get that all the time! And there wouldn’t be anything odd or wrong with it if it weren’t for the fact that it is now driving me crazy.  Yup! Never thought I’d say this for such a nice comment! But it does… It does now.

Let me start by saying that prior to the colostomy and cancer diagnosis I weighed only 105 pounds because I had lost 30 in less than 6 months.  You see, I was afraid to eat as pretty much nothing would come out –except for blood- and had already ended up in the hospital with a bowel obstruction; so it scared the hell out of me just thinking about food; therefore, I started drinking protein shakes which did not help much and I ended up with kidney stones and a punctured bladder!  Don’t ask me why… yes, the doctors explained but, in the end, who cares!?  I made it worse and was literally starving myself to death.

I swear I had never felt so much pain and for such a long time.  I know I looked like death was nearing because most everyone got that “oh, my gosh” look on their faces when they saw me; especially if they hadn’t seen me for a while.

But things got better after surgery and I began feeling better for the first time in months… though they felt like forever. Continue reading

Is having cancer relevant in our daily lives?

No, it’s not relevant nor should it be! To me, it’s just a glitch, as simple as that. And while some are finding it difficult to understand me and my happy-go-lucky attitude in dealing with this whole cancer issue -because they don’t really know me, I’m going completely bananas trying to understand them and whatever it is they expect me to do or be. Like the every day question:

– How are you?, someone asks
– I’m great and you?, I happily respond

That response alone annoys some I come across with and I don’t understand why. It’s as if they were expecting me to feel bad about my life or look the part of a dying person and since I don’t go for either they get this look on their faces that seems to say “it can’t be so”. Continue reading

The time has come…

I’ve been listening to a song in my head for weeks now.  To be more specific, the chorus part from Beds are burning by Midnight Oil.

The time has come,
to say fair’s fair,
to pay the rent,
to pay our share
The time has come,
a fact’s a fact,
it belongs to them,
let’s give it back
How can we dance when our earth is turnin’?
How do we sleep while the beds are burnin’?

It falls right into place in my life right now that the cancer’s back and, regardless of what I do, I can’t get the song out of my head!  I’ve listened to it, listened to others, sung others and nothing… it’s there… embedded in my brain day and night so I’m guessing it’s there for a reason.  My creator is putting it there for me to understand something… and I think I have. Continue reading