…but you look great!

I get that all the time! And there wouldn’t be anything odd or wrong with it if it weren’t for the fact that it is now driving me crazy.  Yup! Never thought I’d say this for such a nice comment! But it does… It does now.

Let me start by saying that prior to the colostomy and cancer diagnosis I weighed only 105 pounds because I had lost 30 in less than 6 months.  You see, I was afraid to eat as pretty much nothing would come out –except for blood- and had already ended up in the hospital with a bowel obstruction; so it scared the hell out of me just thinking about food; therefore, I started drinking protein shakes which did not help much and I ended up with kidney stones and a punctured bladder!  Don’t ask me why… yes, the doctors explained but, in the end, who cares!?  I made it worse and was literally starving myself to death.

I swear I had never felt so much pain and for such a long time.  I know I looked like death was nearing because most everyone got that “oh, my gosh” look on their faces when they saw me; especially if they hadn’t seen me for a while.

But things got better after surgery and I began feeling better for the first time in months… though they felt like forever. Continue reading

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The time has come…

I’ve been listening to a song in my head for weeks now.  To be more specific, the chorus part from Beds are burning by Midnight Oil.

The time has come,
to say fair’s fair,
to pay the rent,
to pay our share
The time has come,
a fact’s a fact,
it belongs to them,
let’s give it back
How can we dance when our earth is turnin’?
How do we sleep while the beds are burnin’?

It falls right into place in my life right now that the cancer’s back and, regardless of what I do, I can’t get the song out of my head!  I’ve listened to it, listened to others, sung others and nothing… it’s there… embedded in my brain day and night so I’m guessing it’s there for a reason.  My creator is putting it there for me to understand something… and I think I have. Continue reading

No, I won’t cry to make you feel better!

My husband died. My sweetheart and friend left this world to go home and wait for me when my time comes. I know where he is and, spiritually, that makes me happy; however, my human side is sad. I miss him so very much.

We had fun together and traveled and enjoyed life. Yes, I miss him and I’m hurting but that does not mean that I will cry and be depressed to play the part I’m expected to play just to make people happy. See? I don’t know whether the word “happy” is the right one here. I don’t know… but something tells me it is because, from a stranger’s perspective, I’m not responding to the loss of my husband like I’m supposed to, I’m not normal!  Whatever that means… Continue reading