…but you look great!

I get that all the time! And there wouldn’t be anything odd or wrong with it if it weren’t for the fact that it is now driving me crazy.  Yup! Never thought I’d say this for such a nice comment! But it does… It does now.

Let me start by saying that prior to the colostomy and cancer diagnosis I weighed only 105 pounds because I had lost 30 in less than 6 months.  You see, I was afraid to eat as pretty much nothing would come out –except for blood- and had already ended up in the hospital with a bowel obstruction; so it scared the hell out of me just thinking about food; therefore, I started drinking protein shakes which did not help much and I ended up with kidney stones and a punctured bladder!  Don’t ask me why… yes, the doctors explained but, in the end, who cares!?  I made it worse and was literally starving myself to death.

I swear I had never felt so much pain and for such a long time.  I know I looked like death was nearing because most everyone got that “oh, my gosh” look on their faces when they saw me; especially if they hadn’t seen me for a while.

But things got better after surgery and I began feeling better for the first time in months… though they felt like forever. Continue reading

Choice, talent or gift?

The company I work for is undergoing some huge changes and some of the team members I work with are having a hard time accepting that they’ll soon be either joining another team… or unemployed; therefore, some of them decided that their job was no longer important thus overall performance plummeted from the moment the rumor started… let alone when the rumor was no longer one.

So I began sending emails to all of them hoping to be able to lift up their spirits as well as to remind them that they were still being paid for a job well done.  But they didn’t seem to get it and remained depressed or whatever it is you call someone who just gives a shit. Continue reading

Is having cancer relevant in our daily lives?

No, it’s not relevant nor should it be! To me, it’s just a glitch, as simple as that. And while some are finding it difficult to understand me and my happy-go-lucky attitude in dealing with this whole cancer issue -because they don’t really know me, I’m going completely bananas trying to understand them and whatever it is they expect me to do or be. Like the every day question:

– How are you?, someone asks
– I’m great and you?, I happily respond

That response alone annoys some I come across with and I don’t understand why. It’s as if they were expecting me to feel bad about my life or look the part of a dying person and since I don’t go for either they get this look on their faces that seems to say “it can’t be so”. Continue reading

The time has come…

I’ve been listening to a song in my head for weeks now.  To be more specific, the chorus part from Beds are burning by Midnight Oil.

The time has come,
to say fair’s fair,
to pay the rent,
to pay our share
The time has come,
a fact’s a fact,
it belongs to them,
let’s give it back
How can we dance when our earth is turnin’?
How do we sleep while the beds are burnin’?

It falls right into place in my life right now that the cancer’s back and, regardless of what I do, I can’t get the song out of my head!  I’ve listened to it, listened to others, sung others and nothing… it’s there… embedded in my brain day and night so I’m guessing it’s there for a reason.  My creator is putting it there for me to understand something… and I think I have. Continue reading

Chemo side effects …and how I ignored them

I got the red chemo first. The scary chemo. The strong one as I was told.

I didn’t get rid of them all, but I did ‘delete’ them to the point of almost feeling great.  And just in case my mind didn’t prove to be strong enough, my husband filled the fridge with easy to swallow and digest foods like yoghurt, fruit and juices. He bought what we had learned were good for nausea and diarrhea. Then he prepared rice, stew and bone broth.

So there, we were all set and ready for whatever came my way.

The first 24 hours were as if I had not gotten any chemo at all.  I felt ‘normal’.  Continue reading

Lesson learned!

After the whole breast cancer diagnosis, I gradually understood that I didn’t need to teach /prove /demonstrate anything to anyone. Understanding and/or learning it myself had to be enough.  And it has.

This was a tough one, but the lesson learned with this glitch we call cancer is that this body is just the transportation that allows me to vibrate in a universe of energy, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to interact because… I’d be invisible.  Yes, the body I inhabit was diagnosed with breast cancer, but I wasn’t!  My spirit didn’t have cancer. I’m energy so I will never be sick, nor die. Continue reading

Side effect of cancer: a deafening silence

I will talk about chemo side effects somewhere else, but right now I feel like talking about the side effects of cancer I consider more important than the chemo ones because they have the power of making you feel either dead or alive if you let them. These have to do with friends and family’s reaction when you break the news and subsequent behavior.

They get sad, depressed, and there’s a certain silence that hurts as it gets so darn quiet when people find out.  Some thought I was in denial when I began trying to convince them that I was fine. They felt awful when I broke the news to them, but I felt awful when they felt awful! And I didn’t want them to but the silence was the worst part as, apparently, cancer has the power of ending a conversation. And the one thing I love on this planet is conversation. Continue reading