My two week notice… and the end

My two week notice… and the end I guess some external issues do make a difference in our health.  Mine plummeted from one minute to the next.  I was “fine”… and then I wasn’t.  It’s like I’m on a slalom trying to avoid poles and gates but going so fast that I cannot help but crash!

All of the end of life symptoms presented themselves at the same time one night last week.  Pain that will not go away, fatigue that makes me want to stay in bed all day -which makes me wish those two weeks were over sooner- nausea and a metallic taste that will not let me eat (not even my favorite meals and/or snacks), headaches, vertigo, lack of concentration, etc.  It’s the whole enchilada!

So I started thinking and wondering if something had happened for my psyche to have given up and allowed the cancer to take over in no time… being such a strong person and a positive one.  Was there something that no longer made me feel at ease on this planet?  My boss, who’s also a dear friend, commented on one (of the two “problems” I can think of) when I gave him my two week notice.

…but you look great!

I get that all the time! And there wouldn’t be anything odd or wrong with it if it weren’t for the fact that it is now driving me crazy.  Yup! Never thought I’d say this for such a nice comment! But it does… It does now.

Let me start by saying that prior to the colostomy and cancer diagnosis I weighed only 105 pounds because I had lost 30 in less than 6 months.  You see, I was afraid to eat as pretty much nothing would come out –except for blood- and had already ended up in the hospital with a bowel obstruction; so it scared the hell out of me just thinking about food; therefore, I started drinking protein shakes which did not help much and I ended up with kidney stones and a punctured bladder!  Don’t ask me why… yes, the doctors explained but, in the end, who cares!?  I made it worse and was literally starving myself to death.

I swear I had never felt so much pain and for such a long time.  I know I looked like death was nearing because most everyone got that “oh, my gosh” look on their faces when they saw me; especially if they hadn’t seen me for a while.

But things got better after surgery and I began feeling better for the first time in months… though they felt like forever.

Choice, talent or gift?

The company I work for is undergoing some huge changes and some of the team members I work with are having a hard time accepting that they’ll soon be either joining another team… or unemployed; therefore, some of them decided that their job was no longer important thus overall performance plummeted from the moment the rumor started… let alone when the rumor was no longer one.

So I began sending emails to all of them hoping to be able to lift up their spirits as well as to remind them that they were still being paid for a job well done.  But they didn’t seem to get it and remained depressed or whatever it is you call someone who just gives a shit.

Is having cancer relevant in our daily lives?

No, it’s not relevant nor should it be! To me, it’s just a glitch, as simple as that. And while some are finding it difficult to understand me and my happy-go-lucky attitude in dealing with this whole cancer issue -because they don’t really know me, I’m going completely bananas trying to understand them and whatever it is they expect me to do or be. Like the every day question:

– How are you?, someone asks
– I’m great and you?, I happily respond

That response alone annoys some I come across with and I don’t understand why. It’s as if they were expecting me to feel bad about my life or look the part of a dying person and since I don’t go for either they get this look on their faces that seems to say “it can’t be so”.

The time has come…

I’ve been listening to a song in my head for weeks now.  To be more specific, the chorus part from Beds are burning by Midnight Oil.

The time has come,
to say fair’s fair,
to pay the rent,
to pay our share
The time has come,
a fact’s a fact,
it belongs to them,
let’s give it back
How can we dance when our earth is turnin’?
How do we sleep while the beds are burnin’?

It falls right into place in my life right now that the cancer’s back and, regardless of what I do, I can’t get the song out of my head!  I’ve listened to it, listened to others, sung others and nothing… it’s there… embedded in my brain day and night so I’m guessing it’s there for a reason.  My creator is putting it there for me to understand something… and I think I have.

Animals have souls, yes they do!

All you have to do is look into their eyes.  Plus, most mythologies say animals have a soul.  Some say that they wait for you at the light, at the end of a tunnel or on a rainbow bridge.  I love that thought and I’d love to see my husband along with my sweet golden retrievers waiting for me.

I believe when Norse mythology says that animals are the windows into our world just like Odin’s ravens, Hugin y Munin, flying around and going back to tell him everything about what we say and what we do or don’t do. And I like that thought too.

A soul.  A spirit.  The essence of everything that inhabits this planet.  The energy that never dies.  That’s what every living creature has and exactly what remains after giving its last breath.

Once you cross over, it seems you know everything.  You understand everything and know when your loved ones are going to die; otherwise, why would you wait for them when their time comes?

I like that and I so hope that not only will my husband wait for me there, but also my beloved goldens wagging their tails and me finally understanding what their woofs mean.

All God’s creatures have souls… just look into their eyes and you’ll see it.

Let’s go barefoot!

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Work? Optional!.”

If money were not an issue I would just up and leave. I’d grab my sweet golden retriever, Sophie, and go find the perfect beach front house to call home until the universe decides I had enough of this life.

Gosh, the thought of waking up every morning and enjoying a walk on the beach would be absolutely amazing to me. Especially the part about not having to worry about what clothes to wear or about what time it is.

I would spend the rest of my life barefoot… physically and emotionally.

Wouldn’t that be grand?

No, I won’t cry to make you feel better!

My husband died. My sweetheart and friend left this world to go home and wait for me when my time comes. I know where he is and, spiritually, that makes me happy; however, my human side is sad. I miss him so very much.

We had fun together and traveled and enjoyed life. Yes, I miss him and I’m hurting but that does not mean that I will cry and be depressed to play the part I’m expected to play just to make people happy. See? I don’t know whether the word “happy” is the right one here. I don’t know… but something tells me it is because, from a stranger’s perspective, I’m not responding to the loss of my husband like I’m supposed to, I’m not normal!  Whatever that means…

Time machine?… hell, yeah!

One-Way Street

Congrats! You’re the owner of a new time machine. The catch? It comes in two models, each traveling one way only: the past OR the future. Which do you choose, and why?

That’s the daily prompt and at first I thought I wouldn’t want to go to either one… but then I realized that I could pick any date and that it didn’t necessarily have to be too far back into the past nor the future.

Right is left and left is right

This Daily Prompt made me smile as I got to remember that I was once a first-time visitor in this not-so-small city in central Mexico.

One Sunday afternoon -maybe a couple of weeks after we had settled in- my husband and I wanted to enjoy some well deserved rest from the unpacking and the cleaning and all that moving implies so we decided to go downtown for some sightseeing.  Someone had told us that the cathedral was something we couldn’t miss and had pictured ourselves sitting on a bench enjoying the weather, the view and the people.